General Biohazard

5:15AM - Teh nonwork

Well, lately it seems that EVERYTHING has been breaking around me. It started a little while ago when Nate's laptop ceased functioning altogether due to a hard drive error. I shrugged it off, and now we're using my laptop for all mobile work. Then, when I tried installing my 200 gb hard drive, the computer went through this weird phase where it couldn't detect which one was the primary boot drive. When I finally got it fixed, windows formatting would only format it up to 120 gigs... a loss of 70ish usable gigs of space. So I booted in dos, via bootdisk that took me hours to make because I couldn't find a working floppy anywhere, and formatted the drive to have four 50 gig partitions.. that took care of the space loss. Then when I rebooted, windows came up with a generic 1 second BSOD and shut down. After another hour of screwing with that, I decided to say "screw it" and I reformatted the main drive, a 20 gig. God damned had to reinstall fucking windows shit. Fuck.
Nothing went wrong for another day, then Ogre came into the store when I wasn't there and swapped out our perfectly functional router for a newer, more useless one. Now port forwarding won't work at all, and if you go to newenglandvideo dot com, all you get is a freaking router configuration login utility. Totally insecure. Anyway... then today I was supposed to work for two hours, so I set my alarm so I'd wake up in time.. and the motherfucking thing never went off.
In not so other "news" if I'm not dating someone by Halloween, then there's going to be a spooky addition to september's first week newspaper, in the obituaries page... because someone who I know, who's not you or anyone else I know besides me will have discontinued living. TAKE THAT! I mean, that's not really new or interesting to talk about. I discovered that I have no soul. But, that's not a discovery either.
In other news, the movie sale is today.

Current mood: aggravated

Current music: Linkin Park - Cure for the Itch

3:24PM - Security, internet-wise

So, today in the adventures of Norman in PHP land, I stumbled upon a few very interesting ideas... primarily the big S... no, not Superman, or Shit, but Security. I discovered this when I thought about how often my computer is ping flooded, or when someone tricks my AV into thinking the HTTP log file is a virus. Then I considered how easy it would be for someone to REALLY screw up my server, now that it's running .php files as well as normal HTML... for those of you who are unfamiliar with anything to do with this thing in front of you (either the internet, or your computer in general), let me explain.
On the internet, all you see is client side scripts... stuff that your browser (the little window you're looking at) requests from the server (those big machines in big buildings that hold the internet) and then shows it to you as this colorful jumble of lines and letters and pictures. Very fanciful really. But, there's another side to the internet besides client-side (client-side is your side, yes YOU, you're the client)... and that would be Server-Side. Server side is what I'm talking about. So, when a client (you) requests a file from a server (me), the server looks at the file requested, and depending on what the file is the server will simply send the file to the client. If it's in the form of HTML, the client displays it in the browser, if it's something different, like a .ZIP file or something, the client will download it onto the hard drive. There's a third kind of file that can be requested from a server, however. This third, mysterious kind of file is a server-side script.
A server side script is a "program" of sorts that runs on the server upon being requested by a client. What the program does is run, compile a server script based on variables defined in the client's call, then it compiles the HTML coding that is sent back to the client. For instance, if client wanted a list of files on the server, but the server manager didn't want to create a new webpage for each file, etc, the server manager could create a script to look for files, and automatically generate an HTML formatted file list.
anyways, the reason why security becomes an issue there is because the file is interpreted server-side, meaning that it can look for, change, and even erase files on the server. That means if a user types in something like www.blah.com/script.php?delete, (this is nowhere close to the actual command), then the server will treat that as a regular script, and follow its instructions, thereby eliminating all files on the server.
So yeah, I'm worried today.
I've gotta find some good examples for session-based PHP scripts, which means a user must log in before he/she can access a PHP file. anyway.


In other news, the gang went to the fair as planned on saturday, which turned out to be a blast... kind of cold... but a blast. I put on a show, as per usual, to scare/amuse people. Now the fair's over, and there will be nothing fun to do all winter. And spring... and probably next year... etc...
October fifth marks one year of being miserably single. I've noticed that octobers usually don't go that well for me. They're usually marked by deaths, breakups, or some other depressing event.. maybe that just means that I'll be better prepared this october. God damn it.
please..

Current mood: discovery

Current music: Song I made up in my head: do something other than look @ me

7:51PM - new - ish

Uhhh... I might be cooking up a new layout sometime soon. Given my recent advancement, I may be cooking it up sooner than later... (hopefully livejournal supports minimal javascript). Soooo... yeah, I'm at work, there aren't many movies to put away.
The more intuitive side of me says "things are going to get wicked bad, again", what's left of my optimism says "you're full of shit", and the part of me that doesn't care says "why are you talking?" Something also tells me that me and the person I love will never actually end up together, which doesn't have that big of an emotional impact on me anymore, since I discarded hope. Thus, I may begin to find new people, with any luck they'll be mentally stable, somewhat attractive, and single... also they might be interested in computers and programming languages. They could also do things that don't feel like a sledgehammer hitting my brain every so often. *shrug* I won't get my hopes up though. Maybe I'll go to montreal with Jake Dupuis and hire prostitutes to tell me they love me. *shakes with laughter* No, seriously.
Till then, chill-o.

Current mood: faaart

Current music: Everybody Needs a 303 - Fat Boy Slim

12:24AM - Thus begins; less realizations, hence

"My soul is jet black, murmuring ancient beliefs... a reflection of something I once was, but cannot afford to be. I walk along its edge, the clean shine of it's floor, the abyss to my right, unreachable light and warmth to my left, echoes of human ghosts... it appears I'm walking up a pathway, yes, certainly up. I reach a summit of sorts on the black marble path, and kneel and close my eyes. The feel of the floor changes, I feel something warm shining on me.. I dare not open my eyes, because I feel hope. God forbid I open my eyes to a reality less than what I expect, I am destined for happiness, I can feel it. I have no more time in life for waiting. I am something that the world will not soon find, so I, instead, must find it."
Well, sorry for the babble.
Learned PHP, JavaScript, and most binary conversions in a couple days. Took my first two out of five GED exams today. Finished them both with an hour left to spare. That's all the update I can manage for now.

Current mood: ^.^

Current music: Baboon - The Mountain Goats

5:55PM - eh

I woke up at 6:30 this morning. WTF?

4:44AM - Let the games begin!

Well, first off, it looks like things are pulling themselves back together. I'm doing a lot of shit for my future, not to mention doing more for myself in the present, and doing more to deal with the past. I have not yet resorted to therapy, and I'm no longer resorting to self destruction. The GED process is coming along quite nicely, not to mention some steps toward college (potentially). My last illegitimate paychecks will be coming in tomorrow. If I sorted it out it would look like this:
750 ...initially
-40 ...buffy season three for a friend
-50 ...internet bill and FFXI payment
-----
660 ...roughly left over
-100 ...set aside for vinyl and other DJ stuffs
-150 ...set aside for tunbridge fair
-----
410 ...after all "set asides" are done

So I'll have roughly 400 dollars to my name. Not bad, but not good either. I planned (with a capital P) on working at the video store this fall when tom leaves to go to wrestling school. The owners, however, have seen things differently and there's been talk of hiring an employee besides me. I guess my year and a half of training hasn't paid off. As was expected, Jake's moving out tomorrow.. believe it or not, I'm going to miss him.
Speaking of Jake Dupuis, he and I went to our last buffet together the other day and I got the last in a long line of awkward fortunes...
"The only rose without a thorn is friendship" was the first one, and the second one was "Many possibilities are open to you- work a little harder."
I was a bit freaked out, I got over it though. I spent roughly nine hours with Jana one day this week, we drove around.. until we hit lebba debba. Then we decided to walk, since the driving thing wasn't going so smooth. On our walk though the big city, we visited K-Mart to pick up a shower curtain liner and a new hat, stopped by Kay Bee Toys, peeked into a weird fabric store, and almost went to a dollar store. Then it was off to hanover to see her grandfather, who might I add, is the manager of the nugget theatre. He was pretty cool, considering that I don't think he understood anything I said. After the big deal was over, Jana drove me to her house for my first (hopefully not last) visit there.
The first thing, upon entering the house, was to wash my hands. The big tour then commenced, through which I was introduced to the houses' many many facets, such as crystals, and sun gods, and plants to name a few. During the tour the phrase "don't ask" was abundant.. so I didn't ask. Needless to say, once the tour was over, my first inclination was to fix the computer in Jana's room. Windows 2000 sp 5 I believe, with a pIII ~500 processor. It was all well and good until I realized that it was missing 'msconfig', a crucial windows program to control what runs at startup, so I couldn't really make the computer any faster unfortunately, though I did uninstall several programs and was urged to uninstall the virus known as "AOL" but it turns out that AOL is used to access the internet in their household, which is another thing that needs fixing. Then we ate nachos with cheese and played hedgehog with their dog. After this we spent some quality time on the couch, and then her mom came home, along with her two younger sisters (only one of which I knew existed). I had to ask Ute (Jana's mother) to translate something from english to german for me. Being kind, she did it, and being forgetful, I've since forgotten how to say it. We spent somewhere around an hour and a half talking about random things, which mostly boiled down to me explaining all my lunatic theories to Jana's family while Jana sat next to me bored stiff (bad move, norman)... anyway, when Rick (Jana's stepfather) came home I was fairly excited, he's a software engineer.. so we by default talked for a while about the wild world of programming. Then, also by default, everyone had to leave to go swimming aside from Jana and myself. Being in a house alone with Jana, it made sense that we start talking about all that jazz, relationship wise. Granted, this included roughly an hour of me having to play a guessing game as to what it was that she couldn't tell me. *sigh* anyways, we eventually covered every possible aspect of a potential relationship and then ended the conversation. After this, she drove me home and never spoke to me again. [just kidding]
But wait! There's more! She went to the last big party of Summer '04 at tom's house, though she still had to leave wicked early she was fun while she was there. Though she wouldn't really play DDR, or participate in group activities, umm... I can't say as I blame her. After she left, however, I proceeded to have one of the most borderline nights of my life. The first thing that happened, of course, was that I had to chase Kym up the road for quite a way, while screaming corny phrases at her to try to get her to stop running and come back to the house. I guess it was expected, she stopped, hugged me, apologized for a lot of things, and we had a long discussion. In the middle of the road. She of course felt some of the knots in my back and did what she could to do away with them. *shakes head* I really miss good old fashioned physical contact. Sooooo...
Megan's gone away to UVM.. which kind of (not kind of, but COMPLETELY) sucks.. she helped me a lot to get back up on my feet, or at least back on my knees again. It will be missed, having her around, not just as a great friend, but the next best thing that I could have to professional help. Cheers for Megan, the college-going friend, good luck in all your travels, godspeed.
Well... that's about all the updates I have. I'm pissed because I keep missing Enterprise. WTF?
Until next time, live and learn.

Current mood: content

Current music: -none-

1:45AM - Last minute

So I went to six flags on tuesday, it turned out quite nicely.. it was quite relieving to have some "fun". So during the ride up I played hangman with Richard, and of course he had to use one of the (if not the) longest word(s) in the english language. During the ride back, I sat next to a pile of stuff, which I named "polly". Before the six flags thing, I went to a weird party at Tom's house, during which I set myself on fire and programmed C++ string analysis functions while people had.. "fun" in another room. After I set myself on fire the third time, I decided that I should go home instead of watching buffy with tom and megan. Instead of being given a ride home, however, I walked. Two hours later I was at my house.
Today I woke up, went to the store where I met Jana, Tom, and Megan and we all went to see Alien vs. Predator which was quite impressive. This sunday's plans include a barbeque at Tom's house, which will inevitably turn into me being barbequed and then walking home again. *shrug* perfectly fine in my opinion. Shiggity-shwah? After like, another year or so, when I've gotten my GED, VADP, and all my MSCE's done I may apply to collins college, www.collinscollege.com to do graphic design/game production. That is if my other plans don't work out.
Speaking of other plans, it's time for me to be awake for another three hours! See ya all later!

10:07PM - I've walked the line

Oh what am I to do? I'm walking the thin line of.. err.. recovery? I seriously lost my mind last week, and in recovering I've tried to get some things in order in my life. First off, I'm getting my GED in order, and am taking one of the pretests tomorrow. With any luck I'll have the whole thing done in under a month. Of course, balancing official with onofficial, I also learned just about every aspect of C++ in six hours the other night. Impressive if I do say so myself.
Now, before all this... was my less stable period, when I, umm... threw myself down a set of stairs. yep.
Unless I get better, things will only get worse.

Current mood: amused

Current music: thomas p heckmann-welt in scherben 3 (original mix) (D I G I T A L L Y - I M P O R T E D - Hard Hous

8:43AM - Beh? Beh?

I recently considered going back to school in the fall, and trying to succeed this time. I went through all my old school stuff in preparation for the possible event, and found a series of documents that I had written for school, and one or two that I had written for myself in my spare time.
The following is one such document.

And Just Like Any Other Day... At School

There is a poor representation of a swastika on the chair in front of me... or maybe my eyes are tricking me into seeing what I want to see, being in study hall and all. Next to the swastika there is an engraved 4:20 on the chair. For emphasis there is another 4:20 written below it... adding of course the other 4:20 engraved to the right of it, and the 4:20 written sideways beneath that one. To the upper-left of it is gouged "69"... and I just realized that the swastika is actually a failed attempt at engraving a "4" in "4:20". *sigh* I don't know whether I'd be more pleased with a swastika or a 4:20.

Probably the swastika.

Current mood: amused

Current music: Linkin Park - Runaway

2:28AM - Finite difference

I haven't made visual contact with anyone besides myself and brian for the last 34 hours or so. I've been in my room, playing FFXI. My friends, most of them so it seems, have lost their minds. *shrug* oh well. I haven't eaten a meal-ish thing for a while.. I forget how long. I haven't really been keeping track of sleeping and waking hours, though I would imagine they're quite off-par. But that's just an update on the predictable. Time for a pseudo-philo-quote-ish-thing.
"Just because something tastes bad, doesn't mean it's good for you."
Think about it: To me, brussel sprouts and crude oil probably taste similar, in that they both taste bad. Brussel sprouts, however, are beneficial to your existence.. crude oil is not. I would like to start applying the same theory to life, in that, just because something doesn't kill me, it doesn't have to make me stronger either. A lot of people I know, including me, have been going through things in life, and sticking with those things, not because the things are good for them.. but because they think there's going to be some form of greater outcome. Taking my own advice, I don't think that much of the hardship I go through has a lesson behind it, nor does it have any good outcome. So I think, mind you this isn't certain, but I think I'm going to start seeking out good things... maybe. This "killing myself for nothing" is getting me nowhere.
So yeah.. in other news, every time I let my scooter sit for a day, the gas tank goes empty. This is from a bad leak that the vendor won't fix. *sigh* Really sucks. I'll tell ya what else sucks... the nation of Windurst in FFXI, it's so retarded. It's all just Tarus and Mithras running around, and these stupid card things.. and ... yeah. Some say: burn bastok down! ...I say: start with windurst.
So anyway.. I may head off to sleep now.. or I may head off to game. Either way, I'm sure I'll do well.

Current mood: crazy

Current music: UNIX - A Few More Time.

9:44PM - am 100% Insane, the realization that I

Umm..
What can I say? Remember a few days ago when i had given up on all that "stuff"... well.. uhh.. I didn't. And now I don't know what to do. I know I should move on. But there are options I have yet to go through, variables that haven't been accounted for, solutions which haven't been tested.. problems yet to be discovered. Hrmmm...

Falling for the same traps now are we?
Somewhat.. yes.. entirely in fact.
I really wish you knew better
I do know better... There's too much of me invested though
So you're going to invest more, tell me, do you think that's wise?
not entirely.. do i?
Depends.. What possible outcome can you see in this..
I -
Certainly not "happiness", right? you do know better than that?
but..
you deserve it, norman.. happiness.. but do you really think that going through this again will give you that? Don't you know? The same damn thing will happen if you go back.

SHIT!!!
This is getting bad for me.
I've gotta try to think of something else for a change.

Current mood: peh

Current music: Generic AIM commercial

6:05PM - Is this really.. uh.. nevermind.

I saw Buckethead again the other night. He's just as amazing as I thought he was before, and this time he had a whole band. huh. I've been listening to too much hardcore trance music lately. hey, whatever takes your mind off it, right? I thought of posting one of those online quiz results yesterday, because it was funny and fit me well. But then I decided not to. uhh..
Not much else has happened lately. I've slept a lot recently, which is a good thing for a change.. I still have trouble falling asleep though, and usually when I wake up I yell that name... I've gotta work on that.

2:25PM - There once was..

I once started making a game with RPG maker II.. the concept was simple enough. The world was simple enough. The game in and of itself was simple perfection. However, in developement, the original plan was elaborated on.. up to the point where an entirely new storyline was born, levels were added, scripts were being improvised left and right... until such time as the game itself was entirely incoherent. I attempted to make repairs, but it was too late. Two months later, the project was scrapped, due to over-complication and lack of planning. That's the thing about games and game making, they seem so simple when played, a decent programmer would say to himself "ahh yes, that's how they did that!" but it takes a complete naive to say "and I could do it too!".
Of recent events, I have nothing to say. It would seem the situation was played to my disadvantage beyond any one time in the past. But this time I won't try killing myself, or getting back up again. I need to meet someone new, and this time, I need to be more careful.. more aware of psychological traps. I need to watch my every move, so that from the beginning nothing can be blamed on me. Surely, that was supposed to happen this time around. *sigh* such complexity for such a simple problem. . . and the person whom I was faced with was a bit more clever than I anticipated.. a bit more clever.. and a bit more aggressive. And these are my final conclusions:

For starting the perfect flawless trap.. I was told "there's nothing special about me". It all began with that one disclaimer, that will play a very big role later on. This was followed by a couple months of mystery.. all leading me to believe that there was, in fact, something behind her statement. Something she was holding inside. Ask "what's the matter, what happened?" and you would get a "nothing" in response. I should have believed that. But instead, judging by the way she acted, I derived that there was something that happened, something in her life so horrible, so damaging, that it was destroying her. And I was intent on helping. Slowly but surely, she built up a shadowed army of problems, things she would cry about, things that she would hint at in conversations, vague, mysterious things that would draw my attention away from reality. She would cry at the dinner table. She would not talk on the phone. She wouldn't be honest in conversations. And just yesterday it hit me:

there was nothing the matter

All this time... she was crying about nothing. nothing at all. she was, for all intents and purposes, causing a problem where in fact none existed. At that moment all the mystery disappeared. The black veil of "closing people out" vanished... and all that was left, was a teenage female not-so american citizen, middle class, good education, loving family... with nothing to complain about, but with the intent to become the center of attention.. no matter who that attention was from, and no matter what had to be done to get it.
At the end of all this thinking, there was still one question left unanswered.. I couldn't make a guess as to why, even still, she had dated who she ended up dating. Then I thought of something unusual in comparing myself and the guy she ended up with.. Everyone warned against him, everyone supported me... therefore: who posed the greatest potential problem? And it dawned on me like a red sun... there was nothing actually wrong with their relationship. She complained about it, and because of what everyone had heard about the guy she dated, they believed her. Hence, giving her a reason to break up with him, but still see him and not feel morally wrong about it. Even still, giving her the right to say she loved me, and not date me because she feared the same "problems" would arise.
And all in all, there really was nothing special about any of it.

*shakes head*
What a brilliant ploy, really. Best of all, they won in the long run, she got the best of me and him, he got the best of her...
Good job.
Now if you don't mind, I would appreciate to go do something that isn't child games. The big kids are passing the stage where they need to hurt other people, I need to go catch up. Have fun, wherever you are!

Current mood: contemplative

Current music: Scooter - Jigga Jigga

3:47PM - Shadowboxing what I don't want

Your old self, your core... has outlived itself, and is no longer useful. You have advanced into a time of crisis once more. It would seem that your old ways are outdated and no longer capable of dealing with the levels of stress being placed upon you.
I would tend to agree, however, what is the best course of action?
I would suggest deconstruction of your core. Dismantling the fragile shell and disposing of it. From there, you may build a new core, designed better than the old one, with an infinitely higher capacity for emotional and actual stress.
Aye, how do I accomplish this?
Simply put... you already have in theory. You've been destroyed once over... instead of reconstructing, simply throw the debris away and start over
Where will I find the resources?
Again, you already have the resources. You will have full control over the shaping of your new core, without the outside world as an influence. Based on your memories, and current input, you can mold the core's design to better withstand happenings.
Very well, I have begun reconstruction.


This was last night. I have begun a complete re-interpretation of the world around me. I only hope this will help.

Current mood: |CONSTRUCT|

Current music: U2

3:16PM - Business lives.

So, yesterday I called Charter Communications (the people who provide me with internet access) regarding the $151.16 I owe them. The person on the other end was a very friendly lady who told me all the options I had to pay them, and that my account wouldn't be forwarded to collections, etc. At the termination of the call, she exclaimed "have a wonderful weekend".
Since then, I discovered that my scooter's gas tank has a leak. I lose about 1/8th of a tank per day. Also, the spare gas tank I bought for it leaks from the little cap thingy... seeing as how I filled it beyond the "safety point" this is not surprising. Also, my scooter has a "pinched 'overflow' line" which causes the engine to sputter out every eight minutes or so. Huh.
In terms of the "whole jana situation"... *shrug* I can't sleep these days, I think about it too much. I often sit and do nothing for extended periods of time, where all I really am doing is sulking. I was scared the other morning when I tried to sleep and I woke up screaming every thirty seconds or so, and realized that I wasn't doing it for show. I tried to think about something else, and everything I thought of had something horrible attached to it. So I looked over at my book case and saw a "Linux: Starters Kit" book sitting next to a "VB6: Programming for the Tablet PC" book. I kind of laughed and thought "my god, that's me in a nut shell", I mean.. really, Linux and Tablet PC's, both fringe things that I'm so into. Which leads me to say I've been doing A LOT of programming recently. But whenever I try to talk about it to my friends they get bored and ignore me, same goes for when I try to talk about new programs, or a new processor, or anything computer related. It kind of makes me wish I could meet people who LOVED talking about computers, and LOVED trying new things and programs on computers.
Anyways.
In other news: I had the best dream last night when I finally got to sleep. I was playing a video game (generic action/rpg) when I reached a boss level. At this point things got weird, and... well.. I became the video game character. I could do everything! Running up walls, flying, kicking, etc.. all while fighting an army of robots and aliens and stuff. It was trippy, because at one point a couple large hovering ships came into the room and started shooting at me. they were pretty long, so I decided to run toward the wall to the right/front of the ship. I gain a LOT of speed while running, and I jump onto the wall, and then push off of it as hard as I can with my legs. In mid air headed at high speed toward the first ship, i flip 180 and, y'know, make to kick the ship in the side. And BOY DID I KICK THE SHIP. I kicked it so hard that it buckled. Buckled like a soda can when you squeeze it REALLY hard. Shortly thereafter, it fell to the ground. But, not only did I kick it, I managed to propel myself upward toward the second ship, grab onto a bar attached to it, swing acrobat style around the bar, plant my feet on the ceiling, and trow the ship into the wall I was headed toward. If you managed to visualize all that, it was pretty amazing.
Then I woke up and was all like "alright! time to go repress the alien hoardes!" and tried to run up a wall, and fell down.
C'est la vie.

Current mood: Superman'ish

Current music: XO90

7:25PM - blah blah blah ... blah ... blah

blah.. blah blah... blah..
There are kids.. with a fishing pole.. outside. DAO programming is just as frustrating as ever. Mixed with a side of JavaScript inspiration... my god. Crazy night last night. Huh. My internet got disconnected the other day. ummm.. Can't sleep much. Fixed shit.

Current mood: What the fuck? Back to normal.

Current music: Bah.

8:45PM - "They kept going, because they were holding onto something" -Samwise Gamgee

Once more..
Rise up..
Live.

Current mood: Bitten

Current music: LOTR

3:36AM - Dying

Last night was one of the worst nights of my life, and still is. I slashed my arm at least 80 times with at least 15 of those wounds yielding significant blood. I then discovered that it was going to be impossible to end my life via cutting myself. So then I began researching lethal doses of aspirin.. this is what my research yielded, and I'm pretty sure it's right.

LD (lethal dose of aspirin in milligrams)
Amg (Aspirin in milligrams)
BWkg (body weight in kilograms)
SN (safety net, to account for any uncertainty)

LD = 200Amg * BWkg + 8,000SN
LD = 200Amg * ~60kg + 8,000SN
LD = 12,000Amg + 8,000SN
LD = 20,000Amg

(results are based on a person who weighs ~60kg or 130lbs)
So, roughly 67 aspirin pills will kill me. I then proceeded to collect 67 aspirin pills and put them in a container which I will probably have close to me for a while (while I'm alive at least).

Ahem.. oh yes.. after my last entry some of my loyal readers may wonder "What sent Norman spiralling from on top of the world back into the fucking depths of suicidal depression?" And I intend on answering that question.

Ever since the whole "Jana and Jake" breakup piece, I've been building hopes up in my mind, that Jana would forget about Jake, and take him for the creep he is, and that her and I could start something serious, and perhaps permanent. However, as of two days after they broke up, they were talking about one another, even to one another directly. This kind of threw me off so to speak.
What was so special about last night, then? See, here's the funny part.. ready?
JAKE AND JANA COME INTO THE VIDEO STORE TOGETHER AND RENT MOVIES WHILE I AM WORKING!!!
Doing an instant replay in my head, my stomach knotted, my brain started noting the location of every lethal object in the store, my fists clenched.. and my fucking heart.. poor, broken, suffering fucking heart... broke. again. So then at ten (2 hours past the "incident") I get a ride home, and on my way there, I see her car parked in his fucking driveway.
She wasn't even ever allowed to come over to my house. She never showed enthusiasm for doing anything with me.
Should I take the hint???
TOO LATE!
Great job, I must say. Bravo.
You fucking destroyed me.
Both of you.
I'm going to go recalculate how much aspirin I should take. I think there's one modification I should make to the equation, which is
LD = 2(LD)

Current mood: gloomy

Current music: 3 Doors Down - When I'm Gone

5:23AM - I just realized something.

oh my god.
I'm still in love with her.
I really can't give up now.

*shakes head*
I'm so stupid for wanting to go through with this..
*grins*
*menacing grin*
Today: A great day, the beginning of all great days.
*warming feeling in a cold, dead heart*
That's right.


I'm back.

Current mood: crazy

Current music: Super Bon-Bon

5:02AM - eh

New'ish layout.
I dug most of the coding for this one out of the layout graveyard.